Shlepping back to the apartment laden with my newest purchases, I start to think of myself as a collector. I have been in Israel for a week and my clothes are sharing a closet with a shelf full of things I have bought here and plan to take back home. From the first days when I bought a household item from a Bedouin shop to my latest haul from Ben Yehudah street, I have become a collector of all things Israeli. Perhaps it is a way for me to bring together all the things about Israel I love: its food (spices), its art (embroidery, ritual objects), its wisdom (books!) and its exports (Ahava products galore). I spend money all the time when I am home but not like this. My feet need to walk the stone streets of Jerusalem while I nostalgically think of all the places I need to eat, drink and shop.
I love engaging with the shopkeepers; there is an openness I feel here that I don't as much at home. I told the guy I bought pizza from today that my life is in the US but my heart is in Israel. Ever since I said that, I have been wondering about how true it actually is. I have been amazed at how fluidly my Hebrew has returned to me and I am so much less embarrassed than I usually am to initiate and converse with everyone in Hebrew. The ease in which I make my way through the city and through my various encounters makes me feel so at home. Yet, can Israel really be my home? How much of myself can I really be here? I hesitated when Danny at Danny Boy asked for whom was the tallit and tefillin bag that I was buying. They are for me, but yet I paused, not sure if I should lie and say there were for my husband. Yet, in the pause, he understood and said: they are for you? good, you deserve it. Perhaps I underestimate people here, perhaps they can accept the Jew that I am. But I am not sure.
How do I describe who I am and what I am doing here? I am not a tourist; that much is certain. Am I a visitor? I guess so since I don't have a permanent address here. Yet, there is something missing from that as well. This question prompted my response about my heart being here. I think part of my heart will always be here. I am suddenly having a flashback of a about 9 years ago, when I left Israel after spending 10 months in Israel on Project Otzma. It was so hard to leave; so painful. And I recall sitting at an internet cafe and writing a final mass email about feeling torn and having a home on two sides of an ocean.
Yet, when I am home, Israel could not feel farther away. I am not fully engaged in the news from the political world, and while I do stay updated on the happenings of our Zionist organizations, it still feels distant.
I don't know if this is something I can resolve now, or ever. I guess for now, suffice it to say, I am a collector and a lover of Israel.
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