My Wish List

What do I wish for this year? What is my wish list? There are so many things that have not been formed into words or ideas but the list began officially tonight at dinner with Reb Mimi, our beloved teacher and spiritual advisor. The things I wish for every year are that by the end of this year, I will feel ready, comfortable and confident enough to believe that I can be a rabbi by the end. The other is that I will be able to open up a piece of text and not be afraid of it, but feel empowered to delve into it fearlessly yet humbly. More specific to this year, my hopes are many. I hope to learn about myself and build myself up to an enforced sense of self-reliance. Unlike Emerson and Thoreau who enclosed themselves in the natural world, I have brought myself to a city unlike any other and told myself that it is sink or swim. What I would like, though it may be too tall an order for 10 short months, is to know myself better so I can stop being so indecisive and reliant on other people. I think it will make me a better rabbi and equally importantly, a better partner. I want to learn to understand Jerusalem even more intimately that I feel I do. I want to live within its complexity, contradiction and mystique and find my place within it while still being able to leave a piece of myself behind when I do finally return home. And like Reb Mimi herself said, I want a postcard from God telling me what I should be doing with this part of my life. But, she warned, be more patient with those people who drive you crazy because chances are, the postcard lies somewhere within those interactions and you could easily miss it.

Having written all of that out adds an intensity to the year and to the experience that has thus far been external. It is certainly strange to feel as though I am going through the motions of the holidays and that they haven’t really soaked into my being. I think I am acutely feeling the lack of a community. I miss the people I am used to praying with back in LA. I miss the conversations and the contact with family. This is what it is like to be the new kid in town. I have to rely on other people to connect me, and it is difficult for me to ask for help.

Thank you, Reb Mimi, for being a kind of postcard for me tonight and directing my thoughts.